Sunday, April 24, 2016

Tears Today, Bessings Tomorrow

As I sat here for the past few minutes in the quietness of the house, other than the laundry going, I feel at peace.  A peace that I have wished for and so very much needed for a long time.   This past few years has been a total blur in some ways and for me to just be able to sit like I am now in the quiet stillness of a beautiful evening is so appreciated. 

Since the passing of my grandmother 8 months ago I have had several changes come to my life.  Some I did not want, but those changes little did I know led to much greater things and bigger yet to come things. 

When grandmom passed last August, I took a few weeks off work and then returned to full time work status on the midnight shift.  This lasted until December when I transferred to days at a store only down the road from my home.   Sadly, I really was not happy with that transfer for many reasons I will not go into.  I found another part time job and again I was still not happy.  I went to work just going thru the motions and paying the bills that needed to be paid.   Then after they did not follow thru with the pay or hours they had agreed on at my time of hire, I started looking around.   This led me to my current employment, and I am truly happy.   I have the chance to move up in the company and use all the business classes that I had used in the past. 

The first of January I started back to school as well as a full time student.  I absolutely love school and all that goes with it.  I just wish I had finished my degree years ago.   My focus was to go into Geriatrics and work in Hospice.  The death of my grandmom was one in which I felt I needed to help others going thru the same thing.  So many die alone and to think of those people just simply makes me very broken hearted. 

I want to work with the elderly on so many levels, but, if you know me, I can not keep my mouth shut and if I were to see someone doing something to an elderly patient I would totally flip out on them.   So, now I am leaning more towards the business management as full time and going to just simply visit elderly and talk with them.    In some ways knowing I am not being paid for it would be more of a blessing.  Something that I have a passion for and love doing. 

As far as my current employment, Wal Mart, I am in the toy department and absolutely love it.   I do get to work in the other areas of the store as well, and have not found any departments that I do not enjoy.    As for my fellow employees, I have not really met anyone that I do not care for.   I walk in and try to make sure I have a smile on my face till the time I walk out.  I speak to everyone and ask how they are.   This helps me on so many levels. 

Somedays like lately, I have really felt like a dam of tears is about to break.  I miss my grandmother so much and for some reason after all these months I miss her so much.   I miss just sitting quietly with her and not speaking, I miss brushing her hair like she use to do mine, I miss holding her hand the way she always wanted me to, I miss the drives back and forth to her senior living home that I at one time dreaded.  I miss taking care of her and making sure she was alright.  I miss everything.  

And then I feel guilty.  Did I do enough?  Why did I not just eat lunch with her more when she asked me to instead of sitting with her while she ate?  Why did I not help her with her puzzles more?  Why did I not take the time to learn more of her traditions so I can carry them on for my family? 

I question:  Did she know how much I truly loved her?  Did she know that I would fight the devil to keep her safe?  Did she know that all I did for her was in her best interest?  Did she know I was doing my best? 

Sometimes I feel like if I start to cry I may not be able to stop so I don't allow myself to.  My heart sometimes feels like it will never be whole again and that when she died a huge part of me went with her.  But then I think of all I am working towards and have accomplished since her passing.   I think she would be telling me how proud she is of me and how much she loved me.   I can just see her sitting there with a smile on her face and giving the encouragement I need.   

Sometimes I feel that she is right by my side smiling and telling me that one day soon my dreams will all be fulfilled but that I have to keep plugging away at life and make them happen.  I sometimes can even smell something that reminds me of her and it puts her right there by me once again. 

And somedays when I am so overwhelmed I think why?   And sometimes I tell myself that all the things I do now is because she showed me the way and led me in that direction without either of us even knowing it.  I know that she would be my biggest cheerleader in this thing called life. 

If you have someone in your life you care and love  tell them, show them, and make sure you do not take them for granted.   I use to think that my grandparents would be around forever, I knew that they would die at some point, but I did not know the impact they both had on my life.  So, love your loved ones, hold them, eat with them, learn from them, and mostly  smile for them.  For one day all of us will be gone from this Earth, and its the memories we make with others and the bonds we form that will carry on our generations. 

So now I will move forward with my education and my life with my husband and children.  I will take all that my grandmother taught me and showed me and use it well.   I don't have just one chance, my chances are numerous, but with each chance bigger and better things in my life are waiting for me.   That is the final lesson I have from her, to carry on even though times are tough and life is full of heart ache.  Life must be lived to the fullest until it is our time to go.  And never forget that there are those who have gone before us looking down on us with huge smiles on their faces at where we are going. 

Psalm 32:8
I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go;  I will counsel you with my eye upon you.