Friday, January 1, 2016

Here's To A New Year

This post is not going to be edited.  I am typing and just going with it.  So, if I ramble or jump from place to place, that is just how I need to express what I need to say at this point.  Thanks for taking the time to read. 


For awhile now friends have messaged me asking how I am doing and what's going on in my life.  They say I do not communicate with them like I once did.   Well..... to be honest, I just have not felt like talking to anyone.   I have been so down lately and depressed that I have not wanted to do anything, be around anyone, or quite frankly go anywhere.   It has been a chore to even shop for groceries for my family.   Since the death of my grandmother in August, I just have not been myself.  But then again I have not been myself in several years.  From the day my grandfather passed away I feel my life has been turned upside down.  It seemed like one family member after another was passing and there was not one thing that could be done.   Between the time of September 22, 2013 and August 13, 2015 my husband and I lost 9 family members, and 6 of those were in a 5 month span. 

I did fine, or I try to tell myself that,  until my grandmothers passing this past August.  I feel that when she died a huge part of me died with her.   I had no one who really needed me anymore. I had no true purpose.  Although, I still have my husband and kids it was not like she needed me.  She relied on me for so much and when she moved in with us I took care of her every need.  I miss that.  I remember thinking I would be glad when it was all over and that life would be easy again.  But that has not been the case at all.  Without my grandmother I feel I am just a shell of a human walking around going thru the motions that are this thing called life.  I am always a ball of emotions ready to either explode or break down into tears at the least little thing.  I feel weak where I once was one of the strongest people. 

Somedays I feel that the hurt and missing her will never get better but other days I go thru it and do not really think of it.  Sometimes I think what the heck is wrong with me and why am I not getting over this.     Well, to be honest, there is not anything wrong with me and I will get over it.  But it will take along time.   Healing from death is the hardest thing I have ever been faced with.  I do not like not being able to fix this.  I am a fixer who always has the answers and moves on.  This is not like that and I don't know how long it will take to fix me.   

My grandmother taught me so many things in life that I took for granted.  And the simplest of things I now miss.  She loved me and I have no doubt of that.  And the once strong woman who caught me pulling up all her herbs as a child and wore my rear out, now needed me to take care of her.  It was an honor and a privilege that I did not know I had until it was gone.  

I remember as a child when I was scared and afraid I would curl up next to her in bed and feel so protected.  Her last days I curled up next to her again in bed and held her.  I was the one trying to comfort her but at the same time as she lay in that bed dying it was her still that was comforting me.  I watched her as tears rolled down her cheeks and she could not communicate other than a squeeze of the hand from time to time.  This once strong woman who protected me was now being the one I protected.  And I did the best I could. 

Over the course of the past 43 years of my life I have gone thru so much and kept my head high.  Never really knowing what I wanted in life but just kept going.  Thru working with my grandmother and caring for her, I have now come to a conclusion and figured out where and what I want from my life.   I have enrolled in school and hope to graduate in a year.  I will then go onto a 4 year degree, but it will be in Gerontology.   I want to work with elderly and in the Hospice where so many pass with no one with them. 

I love helping others.  As harsh and up in ones face as I can be the elderly is where I find my peacefulness and my care for others.   I can be a quiet voice and hold their hand and oddly enough I have found I am more patient with them and anyone else.  I am not patient at all but it is so different with them. 

I want to be there for others at the end of their lives and let them know someone who cares is there and with them.   So many of our elderly die alone and scared.   If I can be there for one person and make their passing easier or less fearful that is my goal.   I use to fear death and all about it.  But I have not been with 5 family members at the time of their passing, I have seen the good and the bad, the easy and the hard.  Death no longer scares me.  It is a hope for a new life on the other side.   A side where no hurting, crying, or disabilities are.  

Sometimes I ask God why he placed me in this situation as to have to go thru all this.  I would hope that its because he knows me better than I truly know myself and I am strong enough to handle it.  All I know is that I can look back over the past few years and see all the pictures I took and see a smile on my grandmothers face and realize that was where I was meant to be and that was what I was meant to be doing at that time. 

Now as the year of 2016 begins, I am hoping for a much better year.  One where there is no death and new beginnings for all of my family.  And as I start my future now without my grandmother, I can look back and say I did my best, and thru her I know what I want to do with the rest of my life.   I will always love and miss her, but my days will get better and the time will heal my broken heart.  She will always be with me in spirit and she is where I want to be one day.   No time soon, but one day, when I complete here on this earth what the Lord God has planned for me. 

So, for now, I thank you my family and friends for being here for me and lifting me up in so many ways.   Thanks for reading my ramblings.  Love you all. 

Blessings,
Tammy