Sunday, April 24, 2016

Tears Today, Bessings Tomorrow

As I sat here for the past few minutes in the quietness of the house, other than the laundry going, I feel at peace.  A peace that I have wished for and so very much needed for a long time.   This past few years has been a total blur in some ways and for me to just be able to sit like I am now in the quiet stillness of a beautiful evening is so appreciated. 

Since the passing of my grandmother 8 months ago I have had several changes come to my life.  Some I did not want, but those changes little did I know led to much greater things and bigger yet to come things. 

When grandmom passed last August, I took a few weeks off work and then returned to full time work status on the midnight shift.  This lasted until December when I transferred to days at a store only down the road from my home.   Sadly, I really was not happy with that transfer for many reasons I will not go into.  I found another part time job and again I was still not happy.  I went to work just going thru the motions and paying the bills that needed to be paid.   Then after they did not follow thru with the pay or hours they had agreed on at my time of hire, I started looking around.   This led me to my current employment, and I am truly happy.   I have the chance to move up in the company and use all the business classes that I had used in the past. 

The first of January I started back to school as well as a full time student.  I absolutely love school and all that goes with it.  I just wish I had finished my degree years ago.   My focus was to go into Geriatrics and work in Hospice.  The death of my grandmom was one in which I felt I needed to help others going thru the same thing.  So many die alone and to think of those people just simply makes me very broken hearted. 

I want to work with the elderly on so many levels, but, if you know me, I can not keep my mouth shut and if I were to see someone doing something to an elderly patient I would totally flip out on them.   So, now I am leaning more towards the business management as full time and going to just simply visit elderly and talk with them.    In some ways knowing I am not being paid for it would be more of a blessing.  Something that I have a passion for and love doing. 

As far as my current employment, Wal Mart, I am in the toy department and absolutely love it.   I do get to work in the other areas of the store as well, and have not found any departments that I do not enjoy.    As for my fellow employees, I have not really met anyone that I do not care for.   I walk in and try to make sure I have a smile on my face till the time I walk out.  I speak to everyone and ask how they are.   This helps me on so many levels. 

Somedays like lately, I have really felt like a dam of tears is about to break.  I miss my grandmother so much and for some reason after all these months I miss her so much.   I miss just sitting quietly with her and not speaking, I miss brushing her hair like she use to do mine, I miss holding her hand the way she always wanted me to, I miss the drives back and forth to her senior living home that I at one time dreaded.  I miss taking care of her and making sure she was alright.  I miss everything.  

And then I feel guilty.  Did I do enough?  Why did I not just eat lunch with her more when she asked me to instead of sitting with her while she ate?  Why did I not help her with her puzzles more?  Why did I not take the time to learn more of her traditions so I can carry them on for my family? 

I question:  Did she know how much I truly loved her?  Did she know that I would fight the devil to keep her safe?  Did she know that all I did for her was in her best interest?  Did she know I was doing my best? 

Sometimes I feel like if I start to cry I may not be able to stop so I don't allow myself to.  My heart sometimes feels like it will never be whole again and that when she died a huge part of me went with her.  But then I think of all I am working towards and have accomplished since her passing.   I think she would be telling me how proud she is of me and how much she loved me.   I can just see her sitting there with a smile on her face and giving the encouragement I need.   

Sometimes I feel that she is right by my side smiling and telling me that one day soon my dreams will all be fulfilled but that I have to keep plugging away at life and make them happen.  I sometimes can even smell something that reminds me of her and it puts her right there by me once again. 

And somedays when I am so overwhelmed I think why?   And sometimes I tell myself that all the things I do now is because she showed me the way and led me in that direction without either of us even knowing it.  I know that she would be my biggest cheerleader in this thing called life. 

If you have someone in your life you care and love  tell them, show them, and make sure you do not take them for granted.   I use to think that my grandparents would be around forever, I knew that they would die at some point, but I did not know the impact they both had on my life.  So, love your loved ones, hold them, eat with them, learn from them, and mostly  smile for them.  For one day all of us will be gone from this Earth, and its the memories we make with others and the bonds we form that will carry on our generations. 

So now I will move forward with my education and my life with my husband and children.  I will take all that my grandmother taught me and showed me and use it well.   I don't have just one chance, my chances are numerous, but with each chance bigger and better things in my life are waiting for me.   That is the final lesson I have from her, to carry on even though times are tough and life is full of heart ache.  Life must be lived to the fullest until it is our time to go.  And never forget that there are those who have gone before us looking down on us with huge smiles on their faces at where we are going. 

Psalm 32:8
I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go;  I will counsel you with my eye upon you. 


  



Friday, January 1, 2016

Here's To A New Year

This post is not going to be edited.  I am typing and just going with it.  So, if I ramble or jump from place to place, that is just how I need to express what I need to say at this point.  Thanks for taking the time to read. 


For awhile now friends have messaged me asking how I am doing and what's going on in my life.  They say I do not communicate with them like I once did.   Well..... to be honest, I just have not felt like talking to anyone.   I have been so down lately and depressed that I have not wanted to do anything, be around anyone, or quite frankly go anywhere.   It has been a chore to even shop for groceries for my family.   Since the death of my grandmother in August, I just have not been myself.  But then again I have not been myself in several years.  From the day my grandfather passed away I feel my life has been turned upside down.  It seemed like one family member after another was passing and there was not one thing that could be done.   Between the time of September 22, 2013 and August 13, 2015 my husband and I lost 9 family members, and 6 of those were in a 5 month span. 

I did fine, or I try to tell myself that,  until my grandmothers passing this past August.  I feel that when she died a huge part of me died with her.   I had no one who really needed me anymore. I had no true purpose.  Although, I still have my husband and kids it was not like she needed me.  She relied on me for so much and when she moved in with us I took care of her every need.  I miss that.  I remember thinking I would be glad when it was all over and that life would be easy again.  But that has not been the case at all.  Without my grandmother I feel I am just a shell of a human walking around going thru the motions that are this thing called life.  I am always a ball of emotions ready to either explode or break down into tears at the least little thing.  I feel weak where I once was one of the strongest people. 

Somedays I feel that the hurt and missing her will never get better but other days I go thru it and do not really think of it.  Sometimes I think what the heck is wrong with me and why am I not getting over this.     Well, to be honest, there is not anything wrong with me and I will get over it.  But it will take along time.   Healing from death is the hardest thing I have ever been faced with.  I do not like not being able to fix this.  I am a fixer who always has the answers and moves on.  This is not like that and I don't know how long it will take to fix me.   

My grandmother taught me so many things in life that I took for granted.  And the simplest of things I now miss.  She loved me and I have no doubt of that.  And the once strong woman who caught me pulling up all her herbs as a child and wore my rear out, now needed me to take care of her.  It was an honor and a privilege that I did not know I had until it was gone.  

I remember as a child when I was scared and afraid I would curl up next to her in bed and feel so protected.  Her last days I curled up next to her again in bed and held her.  I was the one trying to comfort her but at the same time as she lay in that bed dying it was her still that was comforting me.  I watched her as tears rolled down her cheeks and she could not communicate other than a squeeze of the hand from time to time.  This once strong woman who protected me was now being the one I protected.  And I did the best I could. 

Over the course of the past 43 years of my life I have gone thru so much and kept my head high.  Never really knowing what I wanted in life but just kept going.  Thru working with my grandmother and caring for her, I have now come to a conclusion and figured out where and what I want from my life.   I have enrolled in school and hope to graduate in a year.  I will then go onto a 4 year degree, but it will be in Gerontology.   I want to work with elderly and in the Hospice where so many pass with no one with them. 

I love helping others.  As harsh and up in ones face as I can be the elderly is where I find my peacefulness and my care for others.   I can be a quiet voice and hold their hand and oddly enough I have found I am more patient with them and anyone else.  I am not patient at all but it is so different with them. 

I want to be there for others at the end of their lives and let them know someone who cares is there and with them.   So many of our elderly die alone and scared.   If I can be there for one person and make their passing easier or less fearful that is my goal.   I use to fear death and all about it.  But I have not been with 5 family members at the time of their passing, I have seen the good and the bad, the easy and the hard.  Death no longer scares me.  It is a hope for a new life on the other side.   A side where no hurting, crying, or disabilities are.  

Sometimes I ask God why he placed me in this situation as to have to go thru all this.  I would hope that its because he knows me better than I truly know myself and I am strong enough to handle it.  All I know is that I can look back over the past few years and see all the pictures I took and see a smile on my grandmothers face and realize that was where I was meant to be and that was what I was meant to be doing at that time. 

Now as the year of 2016 begins, I am hoping for a much better year.  One where there is no death and new beginnings for all of my family.  And as I start my future now without my grandmother, I can look back and say I did my best, and thru her I know what I want to do with the rest of my life.   I will always love and miss her, but my days will get better and the time will heal my broken heart.  She will always be with me in spirit and she is where I want to be one day.   No time soon, but one day, when I complete here on this earth what the Lord God has planned for me. 

So, for now, I thank you my family and friends for being here for me and lifting me up in so many ways.   Thanks for reading my ramblings.  Love you all. 

Blessings,
Tammy