Four weeks ago tomorrow, four weeks and it seems like longer some days, but some days, like today, it seems just like yesterday. Four weeks ago tomorrow my beautiful grandmother passed away. Most days I am good, but days like today I have moments I just want to break down. It seems everywhere I look today or go there is something that reminds me of her.
I went into Aldi and while checking out saw the wheel chair that has a basket on it that a few short weeks ago I had hoped to use when she would get to shop with me. I get home to see so many squirrels out in the back yard those reminded me of how she loved to watch them. I turn on the TV and there is Bluegrass Gospel music playing. I go to get into a drawer and there is a picture right on top of her.
Sometimes its like my breath literally catches in my chest when I think of her. I miss her so much. But as much as I miss her I know she is in a much better place, one she would not ever want to return from. She is with the love of her life and her children who have gone before her. But mostly she is with her Savior. My whole life I can never remember a time that she did not love the Lord. As a matter of fact, not long ago a discussion on how things were now compared to what she wanted was brought up, and she was told that if she wanted to blame someone it would be God because he was the one in control of all this. She said she could not do that. And from then on she pretty well stopped complaining, or I don't remember her doing so much if she did. Heck, she was one feisty little lady though. And she was very little.
I have so many wonderful memories of her and the woman she was. I grew up thinking that she was just a grandmother, but she was so much more, and until close to the end I honestly did not realize what all that was.
She wanted to come home, and we got her home. She knew it and that made her happy. During the week she was here with us, I would sit quietly by her bed or sometimes as childish as it sounds would curl up on the bed by her and simply hold her hand. Just being close to her gave me strength. How awful that must sound, me getting strength from her as she was in her last days. But it is true. Her just being there was a comfort to me and I think I miss that comfortable feeling more than anything.
I would not take helping with her these past two years back for anything. I loved her and will always love her. Do I miss her every day. Would I have her back? No, because she did not want to be here with out granddaddy. Do I have any regrets? No, because I did all I could to make her life as good as possible.
Funny the lessons we learn from those who have gone before us. Lessons that they would have hoped we would have known long before I assume. But if there is anything I learned from this past two years it is simply this; Love the people in your life as much and as long as you can. Work together to make good relationships. Hold to the memories of the past but move forward to a better tomorrow. Never forget who you are and that you are stronger than you feel you are. And never ever take things for granted, you never know when the last time you will see someone or be able to tell that person just how much you love them and how much they mean to you is.
I have no regrets, but I do only hope my grandmother knew just how much she meant to me and how much I dearly loved her. Days will get better and time will move on, but I can carry the memories of her with me with a smile on my face. And know that someday I will see her again.