Wednesday, February 5, 2014

My Angel In Heaven

 Well, its been along time since I got on here and wrote anything, so I felt it best that today I would try to start writing again.  It has been a very long and tough few months for our family but we are blessed and are moving forward one day at a time.  I guess I will catch you all up on what has been taking place in my life these past few months. 

September 22, 2013 my children and I went to visit my grandparents only to walk in and find my grandfather in the floor.  He was conscience but feeling very badly.  My aunt came in right behind us and took him to go to the hospital.  After promising him I would stay and take care of my grandmom, we loaded him into my aunts car.  I kissed him good bye and told him I loved him and would see him soon.  He told me he loved me and I closed the door.  That was the last time I ever spoke to him. Within about 2 hours he had passed away. 

My mother called to tell me what had happened, and I had to go in and tell my grandmother her husband of 76 years had died and I needed to know where they were to take the body.   Take the body.   Words I can not stand to even write even now this long after his passing.  

That night was a complete blur, I walked thru every room of this house and sat trying to find him.  His stuff was everywhere but I could not find him.  My heart broke into pieces when he died and I felt a huge part of me had died along with him.  The man who rode me on the lawn mower to get me to sleep, held my hand in church till I fell asleep leaning on him (of course I was very little at the time), taught me to drive, walked me down the aisle at my wedding, was so proud to hold my children, and mostly the man who loved me so unconditionally like no one else had ever done was no longer there.  All I wanted to do was feel him near and I couldn't.

Over the course of the next few days was a complete blur, the funeral came and went, I stayed with my grandmom, and I tried to be strong.  Not long after he died, the neighbors pit bull attacked his dog when my daughter was walking it and it had to be put to sleep. All these horrible things all at once kept happening and I could not understand why.  To this day I still do not know why, but I don't really question things I just keep moving forward the best I can. 

 I stayed with my grandmother off and on until we moved her to an assisted living facility right before Thanksgiving.  I felt like I was leaving another piece of my heart in a place she was not use to, but I knew was the best place for her.  I felt like I had broke a promise to my grandfather, I had promised to take care of grandmom. I battled with this for a long time. But over time I realized that I was keeping that promise, she was in a very nice place where they did everything for her and would be very well taken care of.  I go to see her often.

Along the time all this was going on we found out that my other aunt has cancer and was placed between the hospital and nursing home.  All I can say here is she will not make it much longer.   

The end of January, we moved into the home that my grandparents had shared for the past 10 years or so.  It was very hard for me that first night since I had never been in what was their home without one of the other of them.  

I even went to the kitchen one day looking for a hammer and called out,"Grandaddy where is your hammer", only to then realize what I had just done and the sadness overwhelmed me again.  Somedays I am fine then somedays I am so filled with hurt and sadness that I don't know what to do.  I have never let myself breakdown though.  I don't want to, if I do then I don't know if the tears will stop or the pain will go away.  So, I push it to the side and sidestep it that is how I stay strong thru this. 

I went thru a grief session a few weeks at our church and thru it, I learned so much, but mostly I learned it is alright to be sad and miss him.  I learned that I have not fully grieved him dying and someday I will have to.  But, I know when that time comes, I will be alright. 

Last week, we buried my husbands grandmother.  It was another sudden death that our family had to face. My oldest remembered her and how she was the one who had instilled a lot of our Catholic faith in her.  They prayed together and she will always have those memories.  My youngest did not know her really at all but had some memories of visiting her. 

How amongst all this have we stayed strong, well, its our faith, family, and good friends.  I also like to think that it's because one of the best men who ever walked the face of the earth, other than Jesus himself, is watching over me.  Putting his hand on my shoulder when I feel weak, helping to wipe my tears when I break down and cry, holding my hand when I am scared, but mostly just knowing that my granddaddy will always be in my heart. I can never forget the love that he gave to me in the 41 years that he was in my life.  I use to think I could not make it if he were not here, but thru his death, I have gained the greatest of strengths to do things I never thought I could do or want to do. 

I will see him again, and when I do, he will have helped the Lord prepare a beautiful place for me just like the rest of his family.  He will be there to greet me at Heavens gates and he will be the one that will say, I told you I would see you again soon.  I will then run to him and give him the biggest hug there has ever been. 

Until then, I will miss and think of him every day, but it will get better.  God's promised me it would. 

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