Sunday, January 7, 2018

Second is sometimes the best....

Someone asked me recently, "How is it different being married a second time?"  My answer is simply this, there are several differences, but, in my case that is, this marriage is all I have ever wanted, needed, and dreamed of.   I did not go into my first marriage with the thinking it would end, but if it had not, I would not be with the man that I was truly meant to be with. My second marriage is in my opinion what a marriage should be.  It is open, honest, loving, spiritual, and most importantly loving. It is one where when I make a mistake or do something wrong that I do not have the fear of being yelled at, being made feel guilty, made fun of, or quite simply made to feel worth nothing. It is what I simply like to call a more mature marriage.  

When I made my decision to get divorced to date again or be involved with another man was not even in my mind.  I had been in a bad marriage for 21 years so that was the farthest from my mind.  Heck, I thought that I more than likely would end up being alone the rest of my life.  And after what I had gone thru I was ok with that.  But, God had other plans for my life.  Actually a lot faster than I had thought ever possible, God put a man in my life who quickly made me feel whole, made me feel like a woman, who treated me as an equal not a maid or stepping stone,  who loved me for me.  Yes, I can honestly say for the first time in my life I actually know what it feels to be completely and utterly loved by a man and can return that feeling to him.  

This marriage is one where we both work together on everything.  We talk about things, our past, our present, and our future.  We do not yell at one another, we may not agree and argue, but there is no raised voices in our home. We do not go to bed angry, we stay up until the problem or situation is talked out. We do not take one another for granted.  We see how important each other is and we remember that no matter what.  We hold each other and tell one another how much we love the other all the time.  We stay connected.  We try.  

So to be honest, just the above stuff is enough to see how my second marriage is different from my first.  But the main thing I think for me is, I have been married before, Clay had not.  So I know what can happen in and about a marriage.  I know the good, the bad, and the ugly.  So everyday I try to make it better than the day before.  I know that it takes two not just one and I try to not make those same mistakes as I did in my first marriage.   I lost so much of me in that marriage.  This marriage, I can be free to be me and am respected for who I am.   I strive everyday to be the best I can be for my husband.  To be a lover, friend, companion, listening ear, co worker, and whatever he needs me to be.  And he has never asked for anything in return other than my love.  And I have so much to give him that sometimes when I look over at him I think my heart could burst with all the love I feel for him.   

My husband is the most amazing man that I could ever imagine being with.  He is my rock, he is my strength when I am weak, he is my sunshine on a bad day, the arms that hold me when I simply need a hug, he is my everything.   He is constantly thinking of me.  That to this day as long as we have been together is sometimes hard for me to accept.  How he could love me as much as he does, think of me as much as he does, and try to make me as happy as he can.  When before I felt so unloved, unworthy, and so little.  

So, yes, my second marriage is totally different from my first.  And to be honest, I will say here as I have told many and my husband.  If I had not gone thru what I had gone thru before I met him, it would not have taught me how to fully love and allow myself to be loved in the way I can now.   

Wednesday, November 29, 2017

My Life Today...

Tonight as I sit here in the bed watching TV with my husband I think back over the past year.  A year that has completely flown by.  From moving in together, getting engaged, then getting married.  Now we are settled into this new life that is as close to perfect as we can make each day.   How do I feel?  Well, happy.  Here I am 45 years old and for the first time in my life I can say I am absolutely happy.  And not only that but I am content.  I know without a doubt that this life we are making together is going to be full of all sorts of adventures and journeys.  I have wondered many times why I could not have met this amazing man years ago and saved myself so many years of unhappiness.  But the truth of the matter is, I had to go thru the things that I have in life to bring me to this point in life to find him.  If I had not have gone thru all these things I would not be able to love and be loved. I know without a shadow of a doubt that I am loved unconditionally and without any restraints.  And that is not something I can say I have ever know.  Other than the love that my grandparents gave to me.  This brings me to my grandparents.  I have really been missing them so much lately.  I know they will forever be with me, but to see my grandmother one more time and to just  feel her hand in mine is something that I feel I will long for forever.  My grandparents taught me so many valuable lessons in life.  And to be honest this is the first year since the passing of my grandmother two years ago that my life has been calm.  I think that is why I have so many emotions this holiday season.  The last two years of her life were so full of daily tasks to do with her and for her then when she passed I feel that I was lost and did not know truly what to do with myself.  I started to work full time and finally gained the strength to leave a marriage of 21 years that was far from good.  Then thru the divorce process and after my ex husband seemed to do everything and anything he could to make me miserable.  Then starting to see a new man, falling in love, the moving in together, engagement, and then the leading up to the wedding all happened in a span of  a year.  Now as I stated, things are calm.  They are amazing.  They are good.  I know without a shadow of a doubt that my grandparents would be so happy for me and they would be glad that the happiness that I now have has at long last came to me.  I just really wish they could have met Clayton and his family.  I know they would have loved them and gotten along great with them.  But life will go on with them in my heart and memory, and my life will be filled with happiness and so many great memories as me and Clayton grow old together.  So to tell how my life is today, well, its almost perfect and that in itself is something that I never really thought could exist. 

Thursday, January 5, 2017

Setting it straight....

So, this being the first of January I have been asked so many times over the past months what the story really was.  So, well, I will tell it all here.  Many will say why did she post this type of post anyways, well, to answer that, because I am tired of the story being one sided and tired of all the lies. 

July 26, my ex husband finally moved out of the home we had rented.
July 29, I filed my divorce papers with the lawyer.
Last week of September started seeing boyfriend. 
Oct 1, made it official with my boyfriend.
Oct.  25 the divorce was final. 

Now there are the dates, lets get a few things correct, I until the end of September never dated or saw anyone else, I had been totally faithful in that marriage.  A marriage that was a week shy of being 21 years.  A marriage in which the last time I was told I love you was at the alter, and later the same night told he did not love me.  For 21 years I was told I was a leech, a mooch, undeserving, and never loved.  I was a stay at home mom for many years and homeschooled our girls.   And yet, was considered a leech and mooch, really???? 

Yet when I filed for divorce, I was called a whore, a tramp, an adultrus, and many more things.  I kept my mouth shut until now.  I am done trying to hide what has  been said and done to me.   I did nothing wrong in finding another man who actually loves me and I love him.  I tried for 21 years and it did not work.  So for those of you who want to cast stones and say crap.  Get the facts straight.   Realize the source of the comments and negativity.   When have you seen ever on my face book pages any negative remarks about my ex husband.  You have not nor will you.  And this post is not a slam at him, it is to set the record straight and get a few things out that need to be said. 

Several have just wondered what happened, said we seemed so happy.  We hid things really well.  I am no angel and do not profess to be, but will not allow all the blame to fall on me.  I should have filed for divorce years ago.  What all happened in our home is and was our business, but if a wife up and leaves after 21 years and there IS NOT another man in the picture then there is a serious problem in the marriage,   

So this all being said, stop the judging, stop the ridiculous comments, stop the judge mental attitudes, just stop and let my household be happy.   If people and recently my family had tried to talk to me about what was going on they would still be in my life, yet they fell for a story that was so made up out of fantasy that it was laughable by many.  And sadly, by believing in that story do not have me as a family member any longer.  But now I can say I belong to a real family, one who accepts me no matter what and there on no conditions on my acceptance.  I am free, happy, and loved. 

So, here is to 2017 and making it the best year yet. 

Sunday, April 24, 2016

Tears Today, Bessings Tomorrow

As I sat here for the past few minutes in the quietness of the house, other than the laundry going, I feel at peace.  A peace that I have wished for and so very much needed for a long time.   This past few years has been a total blur in some ways and for me to just be able to sit like I am now in the quiet stillness of a beautiful evening is so appreciated. 

Since the passing of my grandmother 8 months ago I have had several changes come to my life.  Some I did not want, but those changes little did I know led to much greater things and bigger yet to come things. 

When grandmom passed last August, I took a few weeks off work and then returned to full time work status on the midnight shift.  This lasted until December when I transferred to days at a store only down the road from my home.   Sadly, I really was not happy with that transfer for many reasons I will not go into.  I found another part time job and again I was still not happy.  I went to work just going thru the motions and paying the bills that needed to be paid.   Then after they did not follow thru with the pay or hours they had agreed on at my time of hire, I started looking around.   This led me to my current employment, and I am truly happy.   I have the chance to move up in the company and use all the business classes that I had used in the past. 

The first of January I started back to school as well as a full time student.  I absolutely love school and all that goes with it.  I just wish I had finished my degree years ago.   My focus was to go into Geriatrics and work in Hospice.  The death of my grandmom was one in which I felt I needed to help others going thru the same thing.  So many die alone and to think of those people just simply makes me very broken hearted. 

I want to work with the elderly on so many levels, but, if you know me, I can not keep my mouth shut and if I were to see someone doing something to an elderly patient I would totally flip out on them.   So, now I am leaning more towards the business management as full time and going to just simply visit elderly and talk with them.    In some ways knowing I am not being paid for it would be more of a blessing.  Something that I have a passion for and love doing. 

As far as my current employment, Wal Mart, I am in the toy department and absolutely love it.   I do get to work in the other areas of the store as well, and have not found any departments that I do not enjoy.    As for my fellow employees, I have not really met anyone that I do not care for.   I walk in and try to make sure I have a smile on my face till the time I walk out.  I speak to everyone and ask how they are.   This helps me on so many levels. 

Somedays like lately, I have really felt like a dam of tears is about to break.  I miss my grandmother so much and for some reason after all these months I miss her so much.   I miss just sitting quietly with her and not speaking, I miss brushing her hair like she use to do mine, I miss holding her hand the way she always wanted me to, I miss the drives back and forth to her senior living home that I at one time dreaded.  I miss taking care of her and making sure she was alright.  I miss everything.  

And then I feel guilty.  Did I do enough?  Why did I not just eat lunch with her more when she asked me to instead of sitting with her while she ate?  Why did I not help her with her puzzles more?  Why did I not take the time to learn more of her traditions so I can carry them on for my family? 

I question:  Did she know how much I truly loved her?  Did she know that I would fight the devil to keep her safe?  Did she know that all I did for her was in her best interest?  Did she know I was doing my best? 

Sometimes I feel like if I start to cry I may not be able to stop so I don't allow myself to.  My heart sometimes feels like it will never be whole again and that when she died a huge part of me went with her.  But then I think of all I am working towards and have accomplished since her passing.   I think she would be telling me how proud she is of me and how much she loved me.   I can just see her sitting there with a smile on her face and giving the encouragement I need.   

Sometimes I feel that she is right by my side smiling and telling me that one day soon my dreams will all be fulfilled but that I have to keep plugging away at life and make them happen.  I sometimes can even smell something that reminds me of her and it puts her right there by me once again. 

And somedays when I am so overwhelmed I think why?   And sometimes I tell myself that all the things I do now is because she showed me the way and led me in that direction without either of us even knowing it.  I know that she would be my biggest cheerleader in this thing called life. 

If you have someone in your life you care and love  tell them, show them, and make sure you do not take them for granted.   I use to think that my grandparents would be around forever, I knew that they would die at some point, but I did not know the impact they both had on my life.  So, love your loved ones, hold them, eat with them, learn from them, and mostly  smile for them.  For one day all of us will be gone from this Earth, and its the memories we make with others and the bonds we form that will carry on our generations. 

So now I will move forward with my education and my life with my husband and children.  I will take all that my grandmother taught me and showed me and use it well.   I don't have just one chance, my chances are numerous, but with each chance bigger and better things in my life are waiting for me.   That is the final lesson I have from her, to carry on even though times are tough and life is full of heart ache.  Life must be lived to the fullest until it is our time to go.  And never forget that there are those who have gone before us looking down on us with huge smiles on their faces at where we are going. 

Psalm 32:8
I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go;  I will counsel you with my eye upon you. 


Friday, January 1, 2016

Here's To A New Year

This post is not going to be edited.  I am typing and just going with it.  So, if I ramble or jump from place to place, that is just how I need to express what I need to say at this point.  Thanks for taking the time to read. 

For awhile now friends have messaged me asking how I am doing and what's going on in my life.  They say I do not communicate with them like I once did.   Well..... to be honest, I just have not felt like talking to anyone.   I have been so down lately and depressed that I have not wanted to do anything, be around anyone, or quite frankly go anywhere.   It has been a chore to even shop for groceries for my family.   Since the death of my grandmother in August, I just have not been myself.  But then again I have not been myself in several years.  From the day my grandfather passed away I feel my life has been turned upside down.  It seemed like one family member after another was passing and there was not one thing that could be done.   Between the time of September 22, 2013 and August 13, 2015 my husband and I lost 9 family members, and 6 of those were in a 5 month span. 

I did fine, or I try to tell myself that,  until my grandmothers passing this past August.  I feel that when she died a huge part of me died with her.   I had no one who really needed me anymore. I had no true purpose.  Although, I still have my husband and kids it was not like she needed me.  She relied on me for so much and when she moved in with us I took care of her every need.  I miss that.  I remember thinking I would be glad when it was all over and that life would be easy again.  But that has not been the case at all.  Without my grandmother I feel I am just a shell of a human walking around going thru the motions that are this thing called life.  I am always a ball of emotions ready to either explode or break down into tears at the least little thing.  I feel weak where I once was one of the strongest people. 

Somedays I feel that the hurt and missing her will never get better but other days I go thru it and do not really think of it.  Sometimes I think what the heck is wrong with me and why am I not getting over this.     Well, to be honest, there is not anything wrong with me and I will get over it.  But it will take along time.   Healing from death is the hardest thing I have ever been faced with.  I do not like not being able to fix this.  I am a fixer who always has the answers and moves on.  This is not like that and I don't know how long it will take to fix me.   

My grandmother taught me so many things in life that I took for granted.  And the simplest of things I now miss.  She loved me and I have no doubt of that.  And the once strong woman who caught me pulling up all her herbs as a child and wore my rear out, now needed me to take care of her.  It was an honor and a privilege that I did not know I had until it was gone.  

I remember as a child when I was scared and afraid I would curl up next to her in bed and feel so protected.  Her last days I curled up next to her again in bed and held her.  I was the one trying to comfort her but at the same time as she lay in that bed dying it was her still that was comforting me.  I watched her as tears rolled down her cheeks and she could not communicate other than a squeeze of the hand from time to time.  This once strong woman who protected me was now being the one I protected.  And I did the best I could. 

Over the course of the past 43 years of my life I have gone thru so much and kept my head high.  Never really knowing what I wanted in life but just kept going.  Thru working with my grandmother and caring for her, I have now come to a conclusion and figured out where and what I want from my life.   I have enrolled in school and hope to graduate in a year.  I will then go onto a 4 year degree, but it will be in Gerontology.   I want to work with elderly and in the Hospice where so many pass with no one with them. 

I love helping others.  As harsh and up in ones face as I can be the elderly is where I find my peacefulness and my care for others.   I can be a quiet voice and hold their hand and oddly enough I have found I am more patient with them and anyone else.  I am not patient at all but it is so different with them. 

I want to be there for others at the end of their lives and let them know someone who cares is there and with them.   So many of our elderly die alone and scared.   If I can be there for one person and make their passing easier or less fearful that is my goal.   I use to fear death and all about it.  But I have not been with 5 family members at the time of their passing, I have seen the good and the bad, the easy and the hard.  Death no longer scares me.  It is a hope for a new life on the other side.   A side where no hurting, crying, or disabilities are.  

Sometimes I ask God why he placed me in this situation as to have to go thru all this.  I would hope that its because he knows me better than I truly know myself and I am strong enough to handle it.  All I know is that I can look back over the past few years and see all the pictures I took and see a smile on my grandmothers face and realize that was where I was meant to be and that was what I was meant to be doing at that time. 

Now as the year of 2016 begins, I am hoping for a much better year.  One where there is no death and new beginnings for all of my family.  And as I start my future now without my grandmother, I can look back and say I did my best, and thru her I know what I want to do with the rest of my life.   I will always love and miss her, but my days will get better and the time will heal my broken heart.  She will always be with me in spirit and she is where I want to be one day.   No time soon, but one day, when I complete here on this earth what the Lord God has planned for me. 

So, for now, I thank you my family and friends for being here for me and lifting me up in so many ways.   Thanks for reading my ramblings.  Love you all. 


Wednesday, September 9, 2015

Someday I Will See Her Again

Four weeks ago tomorrow, four weeks and it seems like longer some days, but some days, like today, it seems just like yesterday.  Four weeks ago tomorrow my beautiful grandmother passed away.   Most days I am good, but days like today I have moments I just want to break down.  It seems everywhere I look today or go there is something that reminds me of her. 

I went into Aldi and while checking out saw the wheel chair that has a basket on it that a few short weeks ago I had hoped to use when she would get to shop with me.  I get home to see so many squirrels out in the back yard those reminded me of how she loved to watch them.  I turn on the TV and there is Bluegrass Gospel music playing.  I go to get into a drawer and there is a picture right on top of her.  

Sometimes its like my breath literally catches in my chest when I think of her.  I miss her so much.  But as much as I miss her I know she is in a much better place, one she would not ever want to return from.  She is with the love of her life and her children who have gone before her.  But mostly she is with her Savior.  My whole life I can never remember a time that she did not love the Lord.  As a matter of fact, not long ago a discussion on how things were now compared to what she wanted was brought up, and she was told that if she wanted to blame someone it would be God because he was the one in control of all this.  She said she could not do that.  And from then on she pretty well stopped complaining, or I don't remember her doing so much if she did.  Heck, she was one feisty little lady though.  And she was very little.  

I have so many wonderful memories of her and the woman she was.  I grew up thinking that she was just a grandmother, but she was so much more, and until close to the end I honestly did not realize what all that was. 

She wanted to come home, and we got her home.  She knew it and that made her happy.  During the week she was here with us, I would sit quietly by her bed or sometimes as childish as it sounds would curl up on the bed by her and simply hold her hand.  Just being close to her gave me strength.  How awful that must sound, me getting strength from her as she was in her last days.  But it is true.  Her just being there was a comfort to me and I think I miss that comfortable feeling more than anything. 

I would not take helping with her these past two years back for anything.  I loved her and will always love her.  Do I miss her every day.  Would I have her back?  No, because she did not want to be here with out granddaddy.  Do I have any regrets?  No, because I did all I could to make her life as good as possible. 

Funny the lessons we learn from those who have gone before us.  Lessons that they would have hoped we would have known long before I assume.  But if there is anything I learned from this past two years it is simply this;  Love the people in your life as much and as long as you can.  Work together to make good relationships. Hold to the memories of the past but move forward to a better tomorrow. Never forget who you are and that you are stronger than you feel you are. And never ever take things for granted, you never know when the last time you will see someone or be able to tell that person just how much you love them and how much they mean to you is.  

I have no regrets, but I do only hope my grandmother knew just how much she meant to me and how much I dearly loved her.   Days will get better and time will move on, but I can carry the memories of her with me with a smile on my face.  And know that someday I will see her again. 

Sunday, February 8, 2015

My Grandmother

As I sit here this evening and think of what I want to say in this entry my mind goes to my grandmother.  My feisty little grandmother.  That woman has more stubbornness in her than I know what to do with at times.  She is a tiny, frail  little thing but let me tell you, watch out if you make her mad or cross her.   (Gee, kinda reminds me of myself.)  She can stop you dead in your tracks with a glare that she has learned to master so well over the years. (Well, maybe I got that from her as well.)  But, she is so full of love for others that her nature can draw in the most ruthless of people.  When I was in college I had to do a report on who my hero was, well, of course at that time I did it on my grandfather.  That man in my eyes could do anything and not break a sweat.  He had lived and conquered like no other.   But today, my hero, well, its my grandmother.  That woman has lived a life full of love, pain, tears, hate, and loss.  So much loss. 

So, here is where I tell you about my grandmother.  She was born in Trigg County, which those around here know as Golden Pond, KY.   She met my grandfather there at a very young age and well, they got married very young as well.  He was 19 and her only 14.  Now, tone those gasps down people, back then you married young and raised your family as a younger woman.   To hear her tell this story is one I will never forget.  But she loved my grandfather and still does more that anything in this world.  She clung to him with everything she had and in the end she lost her heart, her husband, and her best friend.  The night I had to tell her that her husband of 76 years had passed away, I saw a piece of her break and that piece, well, there was no way to ever put it back together for her.   But no matter how badly she is hurting from that loss she holds her head high and carries on.   I honestly do not think I could do the same if I were in her shoes. 

She had 5 children and has out lived 3 of them.  She helped to build a home, raise their children even during a war, worked the ground for their meals, and loved them.  And when those children grew up and had babies she loved all  of those grandchildren.  Then those grandchildren grew and had great grand children and she loved them as well.  She even loved her grand dogs.  Yes, animals count in our family. 

I sit sometimes and listen to her tales of the old days and she has such a light and a glow to her that makes me so sad to not have know the way things were back then. But what is the saddest for me is to know that someday she will not be here anymore to tell me her stories.  I have listened to her stories for 42 years now and they were great stories.  When I was little I loved the bedtime stories,  even those my grandfather told her not to tell me because he knew that Little Red Riding Hood would scare me and I would end up having to sleep between them.   And here's a little secret, I outgrew that scared part and just wanted to sleep with them and pretended to be scared.  OK, well, maybe they knew that alright?    

She smiles as she speaks sometimes and she throws in a giggle from time to time as she tells me something mischievous that she did.  Heck, that woman still does mischievous stuff and smiles that little grin when she speaks of it.   Then tells me not to do those things that she is telling me about.  Well, the apple did not fall far from the tree and that is all I am saying about that. 

My grandmother has taught me so many things in life, and even at that age of 91 the lessons I am learning from her are priceless.  Even though there will be a day I will not be able to listen to these stories or simply see that devious little smile on her face, I know that her love will never leave me, and pieces of her will always be with me.  So until that day comes, I will listen to every story she has to tell both good and bad.  I will hold her hand when she needs me to.  I will simply be there with her in her times of sadness and times of happiness.  And someday, I just hope to be half the grandmother that she has been to me.